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Tuesday, April 15, 2003

7:08AM

omg i want to go home all of a sudden. It seems like everyone is having a smashing time. Im tired of going to school and working. i dont care if i see my asshole ex, or my asshole family. I want to go home, i want to go home i want to go home i want to go home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Current mood: sad

(7 Fishies in the tank | Butterflies scare me)

Tuesday, April 1, 2003

3:52PM

Ive been trying to get my paintings started but im ToTAlLy lagging... yucky. And the special bags im making are in progress, meanwhile i keep them crumpled up under my bed. Im pulling out my old acrylic paints because apparently ive been using it wrong or something... so im going to give it another go. I want to do so many things all at the same time, and at the end of the week i get absolutely nothing done. I just sit and wait in anticipation for "Spring Break"... maybe i can accomplish ONE TINY LITTLE THING...

Current mood: frustrated

(1 Fishies in the tank | Butterflies scare me)

Thursday, March 27, 2003

7:05AM

I went to the salvation army today to purchase a jacket (gawd, ANOTHER ONE...its an addiction). NeWay, i didnt find anything i liked, so i bought a bunch of big dresses with pretty print, and im just going to rip them apart and use the fabric to make myself a pretty top. (one dress is made in Thailand, and the other one is from greece, very ethnic looking...plus more) Im just looking around for some inspiration to figure out how i want to use the fabric. I saw this chick at starbucks one morning, and she was wearing something like a monk's robe. it was a burgandy color... i thought it was very cool.

(Butterflies scare me)

Tuesday, March 25, 2003

10:17AM

ok, so what i hated about lifedrawing class is the lack of constructive criticism that i get. old mike, and a few other people like to come over once in a while and compliment my work. personally, as a student, i dont think it helps me at all. So i wished that i would be able to meet someone here in school that will make me want to try harder. And i did. I met this old filipino guy in a painting class. i came to school a little early and i stoped by the art room and they were having a painting class, i came over and saw his work. he's sooooo good with oil, and charcoal. i asked him if he was pro, and he said he is. he's just taking this class for some time out to paint and relax. we got to talking, and he's a really nice guy, he offered me lots of advice with painting and such. I had to leave for class (math) and drew a picture for him. I came back during my break, and he said that he liked my drawing... THEN, he showed my his sketch book... omfg... he's really good, and when i looked back at my drawing i was hella embarrassed to give it to him. whatever i draw now, kinda doesnt seem good enough, and im kinda embarrassed to show other people. but then again, its a really good opportunity to learn some new stuff from this dude, and concentrate harder on art. :/

(Butterflies scare me)

Friday, March 21, 2003

11:54AM

Ive been watching the news yesterday afternoon, all night and morning. I didnt want to go to work, but i guess like everyone says its good to take a break from the news. everyone ive talked to today is stressed out. i hope all the us, and brittish soldiers, and iraqui people will be safe.

(Butterflies scare me)

Wednesday, March 19, 2003

9:00AM




Sorry, im just pasting them here for a while, i'll take em off later!

(2 Fishies in the tank | Butterflies scare me)

Monday, March 17, 2003

9:03AM

sonofabitch, the scanner here in school sucks ass. i made some drawings i wanted to put up. unfortunately its being a real bitch. Im ditching class today. maybe i'll get that machine to work later on. happy st patricks day! dont get too drunk.

(Butterflies scare me)

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

8:58AM

FANTASTIC DAY YESTERDAY! totally bombed my math exam tho, but who gives a shit about that. It was a night of meeting new peeps and rekindling old aquaintances, by flirting shamelessly. oh, i wasnt being a whore, the flirting was reciprocated. :D

I feel creative now, i want to go home and paint, draw, design, and sew! unfortunately i have work, i hope it doesnt destroy my new found inspiration. Artists block sucks. :)

(Butterflies scare me)

Tuesday, March 11, 2003

10:50AM

life drawing sucked yesterday, the male model was stinky, he was rolling around in garbage, then used his privates to clean every unflushed toilet in school. THEN, he decides to come in and face us, nude, dirty, with his balls spread out in my face. the breeze, and STANK eminating from his toxic core was unbearable. my eyes were watering, and i felt like thowing up. i moved to the back of the room and the smell reached me. it was a gas chamber, and he's comming back on wednesday. yay. not.

(6 Fishies in the tank | Butterflies scare me)

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

8:19AM

ok so here's the thing... its been raining like fucking hell here, and everyone... EVERYONE has been telling me to drive slower. I obviously being a dumb shmuck didnt listen. nothing bad happend, i just kinda skidded a few times in the road. apparently its not good to break hard in the slip sliding road. hrmm... i took mental notes. hrmm... and is it just me or is gas getting pricey? i have a feeling its going to get even worse though.


so yesterday... Foreign language class, i was spending most of my class time with this dude. lets call him 26man. not usually my type, but i like how he talks. he's kinda soft spoken and is careful not to cuss around the ladies...which i thought was cute. if only he knew i swore like a trooper. well, after class we were getting up to leave and midget man who's inlove with me comes over with a fabulous line... "youre vibrant" or was it "you vibrate"? Im not quite sure. I looked at him and asked him to repeat himself coz i swear i didnt understand what he was saying. everyone else around me was lookin at him like he was speaking greek. well... he said nevermind. btw..26man asked for my number and stupidly i gave it to him. ech.

Then, in History class, i was sitting next to Graphic Design guy. again, not my type. but i like how agressive he is... like he'd just grab my notebook and look at my notes and put it back. or he'd grab my desk and pull my table closer. he acts like we're close friends. only problem, i wish he'd grab Me! grab Meeeeeeeeee! hehehe...hrmm, maybe not. anyway, again, marioBro's interrupted. Mario is this 45 plus year old guy, he looks like mario in super mario bros. but with a mega tan and GREEN fucking hair. I shit you not. He's been eye-ing me, and ive noticed. I usually keep my distance but this was unavoidable. he looks at me and asks... "How much do you weigh?" what the hell kind of question is that. so i repeat his question with a confused, and a "shut the fuck up asshole" tone in my voice. i ask him why does he want to know? he says..."oh coz my OLD GIRLFRIEND weighs like around your weight." omfg omfg omfg. I wanted to smack him upside the head. but as calmly as possible i just turned around and shutup. ECH!

(5 Fishies in the tank | Butterflies scare me)

Thursday, February 20, 2003

10:05AM

I shouldnt stress. stress is evil. Im still going to cut off all my hair. I should take before and afters. I want a digital camera. I didnt know getting a d.c. can be complicated. Im starting to like the idea of Graphic Design. Its not as bad as i thought. This asshole honked at me in the parking lot, i was going to give him the finger...but i dont want the bad karma to circulate and ruin my day.

(Butterflies scare me)

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

8:37AM

Yesterday I told myself I was gonna be okay.
Gonna start a new day be truley happy.
I was gonna take contol of me.
But eventually reality hit me.
Mentally, physicaly, emotionally.
And I opened my eyes and realized
that I was still being taken for a constant ride


Got the Vivian Green CD. its ok, i like most songs. so last night, i had a really bad night. my head fucking hurt, my jaw, my throat, everything was achy. bad fucking night. my mom came in and wanted to be Mrs. Councelor. whatever. nice of her to come in and check up if i was still alive, but i wasnt feelin it last night. Im still kinda hung over from the shitty evening, and this mornings traffic jam didnt help. So ive decided to make a change. Ive been so hung over with to do lists, and goals, and requirements in school. Its been burning up all my fuel. And, being all organized, and fucking deadlines, deadlines, deadlines... Im sick of it. I was so tired last night. Why the hell do i have to put so much pressure on myself. Im going to enjoy the fucking ride from now on. Im going to cut my hair.

Current mood: crappy
Current music: emotional rollercoaster

(2 Fishies in the tank | Butterflies scare me)

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

11:17AM - New Plan

ok, I have gone to my councelor, and Im going to SDSU majoring in GRAPHIC DESIGN. Im just going to have to get over my fear of computers. I feel illiterate coz i cant work the machine as good as my friends can. She says im on the right track and that i MIGHT transfer there next year. Puurrffect. Lately ive been wanting to design T-shirts. Where can i get the machine to do that?? I wanna make a GRIP load of T-shirts... maybe some with my face on it. LOL! I feel good now... i have direction again. IM happy.

Current mood: determined

(4 Fishies in the tank | Butterflies scare me)

Wednesday, February 12, 2003

7:58PM

Interesting day... Im sitting in the computer lab with j talking about Jan van eyck, and this man starts talking about art history with us... then I went to the ladies room and this woman came up to me and said our glasses need windshield wipers...then mike from our drawing class gives me his business card because he wants me to make an art work for him to sell in his store. I looked at some of the stuff he sells, and its kinda intimidating. aeeyiiii... well... umm, i think i need to process this. I contacted a webzine and they're willing to give me a shot, of course writing for them is free, but i think its good practice. Deadline is on the 14th... i might not make it so Im going to ask to be in the next issue? crazy, i wanna do so much stuff but i dont have much time... too bad Im employed. I havent been feeling inspired lately to make anything, Im going through one of those crappy seasons in creativity, its really bad timing though. but like my art guru says, "you gotta work through the shitty days". Its an uphill battle.

(3 Fishies in the tank | Butterflies scare me)

Saturday, February 8, 2003

12:53PM

I got rid of that horrid job from hell. They were very nice about me quitting though, and offered to take me in if ever I would need a part-time job. umm...yah, thanks. So now I have only one employer. And I only work three days a week. No, I dont get paid much, but its a small price to pay for waking up in the morning without an anxiety attack.

I want to become an artist AND a writer. too bad that i suck at writing. But, I think, I should not let my lack of skill get in the way of what i want to say. I have been practicing in a notebook. And I am changing my college plans, Its a little tricky changing them now, but I'd rather make that U-turn than keep going down the wrong road. Im not transfering to that university my parents and I agreed to. My options now is going to San diego state, (totally full in the art department though), or an Art school... tricky... very tricky. Im confused, Ive been writing my goals down on paper, and next to it the number of years I have to attain this. OK, i know Im a freak, but this keeps me focused. And I idealy want this all done before thirty. I have ten years... a friend asked me if i think that life ends at 30, because of the frantic pace i put myself in to get things done by then. hehehe, I never thought of it that way. I just want to get the hard part over with as soon as possible so i get more time to play with other things. We only live once ya'know, and im going to take my chances.

oh and by the way, thanks so much for everyone's concern... I didnt see your posts about the smoking thing till today... ehh... too late. I did try it a few times, but i dont like it. I mean if they had like strawberry flavored ciggies...yum... but till then i can safely say i have escaped the clutches of tobacco companies. :)

Current mood: determined
Current music: emotional rollercoaster

(2 Fishies in the tank | Butterflies scare me)

Friday, January 31, 2003

1:02PM - dream

I have to write this down coz its such a cool trippy dream!
let me write this as coherently as possible.
...It starts off in the house i used to live in, i walked downstairs and checked if all the lights were out. then went back upstairs. again i went down with my dad this time, and all the lights were on. I couldnt understand why they were on when i had just made sure they were off. we all began to hit the switches and couldnt figure out which switch goes with which light. we were freakin out coz it turns out all the lights should be off or we would attract the attention of the godzilla-king kong monster running lose in town. Godzilla/kong starts smashing everything, Im hunched over behind a planter, and there were tanks, and soldiers outside, there was this person i pulled from the other side to help shield them. that person didnt have any legs...its like i knew him/her, and i had the feeling him/her was my sister. Then, Im at school. catholic school, uniforms, just like before, and we all went outside at night to have a party. It was dark, and we had a few tiki torches lit up. everyone was standing, jumping, dancing, and there was this big trampoline where people would stand and dance on... the place was packed. Then there was Moulder and Skully (x-files) and Moulder was on the trampoline talking to someone (i think it was me...not sure) Then he says to the girl to calm down, apparently there was a signal that everything was going to be destroyed?. He looks over to Skully, she's standing in the crowd. she has a belt on with a box on her tummy, and it kinda explodes. theres a hole on front of it, and goo came out (maybe blood). but she doesnt freak out. Moulder says she's the signal, he said, look at how she's not freakin out, we need to be calm like her. They rush off to the side. We are all walking in the school hallway, and everyone starts screaming and running. People start disapprearing and being sucked into a vortex. there were these two purple glowing tombstones, one was open and it was supposedly the cause of all the bad things. i was with a friend, Arge. she points to it and says its a well, and its the source of all the chaos. we walk over to it to try and close it, but it didnt work, something happend after this, maybe a tornado or something, but we were struggling to get out of the school. we both got out, through the side door. we looked inside the school, and it was all black and white and gray and the floors were tilted. like it was a colorless weird dimension. i ran toward the gate (we ended up in a garden) and all of a sudden everything turned black and white, then back to color again, like a flash. we freaked out because we realized that what happened inside the school could come out and destroy the world. we felt bad for all the people who died in there, sucked into the vortex-black hole-thing. We held hands and walked down the street. we saw people further down so we were walking to them. they looked familiar to me. a car was following us while we walked down. all those people kept telling us stuff, like how to get out, and what to do, they all had different suggestions, and it was confusing. then when we reached a buliding, the man in the car came out and walked up to us and told me not to listen to those people, and to come with him. he said he's the chaufer (spelling?), and he said he would not force me to go with him, he didnt care if i came with him or not, he was one of the options i could pick. everyone else seemed desperate that i come with them, except for this dude. I looked at him and recognized that he was the principal of the school. I asked him that, and he said no, he was just there to make sure everything takes place. so i asked him how much he gets paid as principal, and he couldnt answer, and i believed what he was saying. i asked him what happend to all those people in school, and he said they were gone. like they never exsisted, and i started to cry coz i thought that was horrible, how no one will every know they were alive and that no one would mourn for them. I asked him if they were going to be reincarnated (weird question) and he said no. and that made me sadder. i decided to go with him. we got into the car and drove toward the school. then i forget, but its like me and arge, win coz we survived, and got to have a wish and thats when i woke up...theres a part where i drew this ice-cream vendor guy and it came out really cool and everyone loved it... there was more but i cant remember.

oww my head hurts...

(2 Fishies in the tank | Butterflies scare me)

Tuesday, January 28, 2003

9:07PM

I have started a new diary, a traditional one, and I keep it under my bed. I am also starting a bad habit, unfortunately, I'm too young to become an alcoholic (one more year) so I am going down the chain-smoker route. I've bought a pack of ciggies a few days ago. It's in my room tucked away because I am paranoid that someone might find it. And, this morning I bought a lighter. I did not know how to work it, and bruised my thumbs practicing, but I got it down, and I am READY! Will I REALLY start smoking like a chimney? I doubt it, I'll probably get sick after the first one. But its the thought that counts.

I colored my hair a dark red-brown today, and blow-dry'rd it straight. It looks fabulous. Im almost tempted to pay 15 bucks everyday to keep it this way. There has to be a way to straighten it permanently. But anyway, Mike, my hair stylist did a good job.

I also have been keeping up with the whole Iraq and Bush thing on Cnbc, and Time. Its very interesting, I cant really say which side I agree with, Bush or the UN investigators, I should read more about it.

Current music: Rilo Kiley

(5 Fishies in the tank | Butterflies scare me)

Friday, January 17, 2003

12:25PM - new day

... i cant say what exactly signifies this day to be the start of a new day, I placed myself on "seasonal work" at JOJO's, and I have applied at another job, as a Chiropractic assistant. It's rather easy work and the doctor is very chill. I start on Jan. 24th. Maybe i shall adjust my "new day" to January 24. yes.


...I watched Bridget Jones' diary for the first time, and i must say its my new favorite movie of all time. Im tempted to move to London. she struggles with being over weight. Personally, i'd rather be on the chubby side than be on the short side, coz once you have the "tiny-elf-short-girl" genes, not even excercise and starvation can save you. But thats OK, im not a midget just yet...


...anyway, I love the character of "Mark Darcy". very snotty, but kind deep down. I mean, I know who would be perfect as the player "Daniel Cleaver" (dirty bastard). Yes, ive met that kind of man already, but for the "ding-dong-Mark-Darcy-type" I am still yet to experience. unfortunately the sighting of such a guy, is probably less likely than that of Big Foot... or Lochness. but i got my eyes peeled non the less.

Current mood: hmmm
Current music: someone like you

(Butterflies scare me)

Wednesday, January 8, 2003

12:27PM

i know this is late, but Merry christmas, and happy new year. i havent been around the computer lately. my brain is kinda burnt out, so new years resolution? Quit JOjO's! ive been looking for another job, and i might be able to get this one job, as front desk stuff for a Chiroprator clinic. if i decide to take it, i can actually sit down while i work! but then again, i could look for a job that will benefit me, like something along the lines of art, or designing, and possibly clothing... so im looking to bridal stores who make wedding gowns... i think the stores here are so small they probably dont hire people outside. anyway, im going to ask, it wont hurt to ask. so...im off to get some lunch, i hope ya'll have a nice day. :)

Current mood: drained

(Butterflies scare me)

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

8:59AM - sad, bad news

my great grandma, meaning my lola's mother had a stroke yesterday in the philippines. she is very old, like a hundred or somethin, and i hardly knew her coz she's pretty much out of it coz she's so old. I feel bad for my grandma though, coz it IS her mother thats dyin. she used to live in san fran, but decided to move to the philippines to live the last of her days, i guess. its not a big shocker that she's dying, it was all a matter of time... we do have this weird belief that every year she prolongs her life, someone will die in our family, its been happening every year for a while now, and maybe this year its her turn, plus the next year there is a planned wedding in san fran... it might be the turn of a bad curse to a good one.

I dont really have bad feelings about deaths and funerals, i think its all part of life, and it happens. of course im sad, and i miss the deceased person, especially if it is someone very close to you, or especially someone young, because its sad to think of all the things they could have experienced but never got to. But sometimes i think they're at a much better place than the rest of us.

anyway, the news from them is that they moved her to Makati Med. and she's in a respirator, but her doctor here said if that does happen, dont put her on resp. coz its just gonna make her suffer longer. If she dies, then we may have to make a trip back to the philippines for a funeral. and i dont want to go. no fucking way. im sorry great grandma, but i REALLY REALLY dont want to go. yah, i guess i jsut dont wanna go under these circumstances... it will be a quiet trip and few people will know im going... i dont want to go coz of all the bad memories it brings back. so... a trip to hell? i think i'll pass.

Current mood: gloomy

(8 Fishies in the tank | Butterflies scare me)

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